Saturday, October 8, 2011

It's you, Joy...it's you.

"You can't imagine all the times that I tried
To uncover the source of the tears that you cried
Let's throw it away and just go for a ride
And you'd say okay but you'd keep it inside
And I tried, I tried.  I tried...I tried."

Do you ever wonder why two people cross paths?  I mean really, really think about why - out of close to 7 billion people in the entire world - your path crossed paths with another person?  Was it fate?  Destiny?  Serendipity?  It's all three.  Everything happens for a reason.  As cliche as it is, it's true. 
There are things that bring people together.  Running is one of them.  You can throw away all your worries and just go exploring.  Soak in the trees, creeks, the fall air, the crisp leaves on the ground...  Even the person you're running with can paint a beautiful, wondrous picture: hair bouncing slightly in the breeze; slow, rhythmic breath in time with yours; the pitter patter of their footsteps seemingly in sync with every step you make. 
When two people are running, even silence is a sign of things.  It's a sign of being comfortable with one another.  As desperate as you may be for them to open up, the silence can be as equally telling. 

"I never thought I could have it so good
You were the song that my soul understood
That time is a river that flows through the woods
And it led us to places we both understood
Would be gone before too long, would be gone before too long."



Everyone is terrified of the unknown.  Everyone.  It's natural, normal human instinct to be scared of what you don't know.  The best part?  Going through the unknown with someone else. 
Maybe it's where two people are at in their lives that bring them together.  Maybe it's because they're polar opposites.  Or maybe it's because they have everything under the sun in common.  But whatever it is, if you find yourself grateful that that person - one in 6 billion - is in your life, don't give up on them.  Ever.  

"When we were young we thought life was a game
But then somebody leaves you and you're never the same
All of the places and people belong 

to the puzzle but one of the pieces is gone 
and it's you
It's you, it's you Joy, it's you."


As children and young adults, we take take friendships for granted.  We take time and life for granted.  As you age, you start to realize how important relationships are.  Life is scary, and no matter what, you're always going to need someone to turn to.  Whether it be a friend, a lover, a wife, a husband, a sister, a co-worker, or just a person you meet by happenstance. 
As an adult, you realize that relationships, time, and life do not last forever.  They just don't.  People die, people move, and people - for whatever reason - make the decision to stop connecting with other people.  If someone leaves your life, you immediately question it.  Why did they do that?  Was it something I did?  Could I have done something different?  What about me as a human being caused this?  The choice you face is whether or not let them go or hang on for dear life. 

There have been many people in my life that I have let go and been OK with that decision.

But there's one person who recently came into my life that I am trying desperately to hold onto.  As a friend, a confidant, someone to laugh with, someone to talk with, and someone to turn to when I'm hurting.

It comes back to fate, destiny and serendipity.

If it's meant to be, it will be.  If not, the two paths will diverge into space and time, never to cross again.  

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I Want A Round Room At the End of the Day.


Music is a lot of things to a lot of different people.  It can bring out a wide range of emotions and evoke several memories from last week to 10 years ago.  It's an escape.  It's a motivator.  Your favorite music, if listened to right, can be a different experience each and every time you listen, even if it's the same song over and over.  Sometimes you'll hear things that weren't there before.  Some of my favorite songs, such as "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes" by CS&N, "Hold Me" by Fleetwood Mac and "Shine a Light" by the Rolling Stones are prime examples of this.  

But it's no secret that Phish is my favorite band.  They are not for everyone.  They're not top-40, they're not catchy, you don't know what you're getting when you go see them live, they're not radio-friendly and they're not all that accessible.  Which is precisely why I like them.  I stumbled across them in the fall of 1999, thanks to the help of my good friend Kurt Mattocks, whose older brother was a fan.  It soon turned into an obsessive hobby: snapping up studio albums, traveling to see shows, posting on message boards (A LOT), meeting new people, and just generally immersing myself in the Phish subculture.  Although my obsession has waned slightly, they are still, without question, my favorite band.  

I believe in a lot of things.  Fate.  Destiny.  Love at first sight.  Patience.  The power of positive thinking.  Being yourself no matter what (this one took me awhile to discover, and it's something I'm still working on to some degree).  I also believe that - no matter how cliche this is - everything happens for a reason.  At any given point in our lives, we're exactly where we're supposed to be.  No matter what.  Things get better.  Things get worse.  Ups and downs.  John Wooden said "Avoid the peaks and valleys."  Even keel.  If you do that, you're exactly where you're supposed to be. 

Round Room is the name of a song from Phish's 2002 album of the same name.  It came at a very interesting point in my life.  A point of maturity and self-discovery.  A time I made friends for life and lost a dear friend as well.  Phish had broken up in October of 2000, just as my obsession was building, and they had announced a comeback in the summer of 2002.  They were to play a NYE show on December 31st, 2002, and that same month they released Round Room.  It was a hastily recorded album, done in a few weeks.  The feel and the vibe from the album is evident of that.  But it is chock full of interesting music, particularly from a lyrical perspective (something Phish does not get enough credit for, in my opinion).  Trey and Tom really brought some good stuff to the table, but ironically enough, my favorite song is from Mike:

My room is round when I lay down, when I wake up it's square
When I go outside it's on a spiral set of stairs.
The people that surround me are waiting out there
In a round room they can't find me anywhere.

Right angle rooms drive me crazier each day

Put me in a box I know I'm never going to play.
Put me in a square room and I won't know what to say
I want a round room at the end of the day.

I had an apartment, four corners on the walls

Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep there at all.
I want a curve to the place where I stay
I want a round room at the end of the day.

If I pass out take me to the round church

Where echoes resound
And my spirit is found.
And when I float high
Take my arm and I'll fly you by
The outskirts of town, to a garden that's round.

I went to the lighthouse and I liked the view

I looked out the window and I could see you.
Put me in a square house and I won't have a clue
I want a round room just to be with you.

One could classify this as a nonsensical song about lighthouses and gardens and weird-shaped rooms, but I like to think it's a simple love song.  A man is happy because he can simply look out the window and see the woman he is smitten with.  I do not think it's a coincidence that I met someone that same year with whom I am still friends with and think very fondly of.  Our lives have taken quite different yet oddly similar paths, and I also think this is no coincidence.  We seem to have our ups and downs, and can go many months (sometimes years) without seeing or speaking with one another, but at the end of the day, I find myself thinking of her and only her.  It's easy to forget some people, others it is not.  It's easy to forget what you did last week, but it's also easy to remember things that happened years ago.  Those moments are ingrained in your memory because you cherish them and the people involved.  The song had not been played in a live setting since July 13th, 2003, and I had been wanting them to play it ever since.  I was disappointed they did not break it out at the shows I attended in 2009 and 2010.  I knew eventually they would play it, and they did...on January 1st, 2011.  1.1.11.  I do not think that's a coincidence.  It's a sign.  Of what, I've yet to learn.  But I'm patient enough to wait to find out.  And whatever happens, that's the way it was meant to be.  Once you learn to accept that, life becomes so much easier. 

Round Room (the album and the song), in conjunction with the times and the person I'm referring to, will be forever intertwined - no matter what happens - as long as I live.  



 

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Scents and Subtle Sounds

As I relax on my couch typing this, I can't help but reflect with a sense of enormous pride about my accomplishment this past weekend.  It was the literally the culmination of everything I had put into my hobby.  All the time and resources.  Countless miles I had spent in solitude running on sidewalks and roads.  Putting on my running shoes and shorts when my mind and body really didn't want to.  Waking up at dawn to squeeze 3 miles in before work.  Shelling out hard earned money for shoes.  Passing up a six-pack of beer or a pizza to keep my weight down (hey, the less you weigh, the less energy your body uses to get from point A to point B, thus allowing you to run further, right?).  All of these decisions reared their heads last Saturday at a cozy lake in Warsaw, Indiana. 

The time and logistics spent planning this excursion is almost too complicated to explain.  When running 50 miles, you have to be prepared for anything and everything.  You simply cannot over prepare.  The weather, the elements, the course, how your body will react to what you're drinking or eating, etc.  Combine that with the fact that I'm normally a fidgety, neurotic, anal-retentive goofball to start with, this was a dream come true. 

I spent the night before at work in massive energy conservation mode, walking a fine line between "working" and "loafing."  After I had put in my time, I bolted, hopped into my grandparents' bitchin' minivan, and hit the road.  2 things I was not accustomed made the trip more enjoyable: GPS and XM radio.  Warsaw is situated north of North Manchester, where I spent 4 glorious years being an incredibly average college student with an above-average appetite for alcohol, and so the trip up there allowed me to reminisce.  I thought of all the people and friends I had met during my four years and a deep sense of nostalgia overwhelmed me.  But alas, this wasn't about the past.  This was about the future.

I checked into the hotel, took all my gear up to the room, and got situated.  The race didn't start until 2:30pm, and I wasn't planning on leaving the hotel until 12:45pm, so I had a little time to unwind.  I received a much appreciated phone call from a dear friend before I went to bed that put me in an exceptional mood.  Hearing her voice - I replayed it in the final miles of my last loop, too - was just what I needed to get to sleep.

I awoke at approximately 7:30am, and went downstairs to sample the continental breakfast, careful not to eat too much.  I wanted to make sure my stomach was as empty as possible by 2:30pm.  I sipped some coffee, read USA Today, and soaked in the sights.  Unfortunately, those sights included a bunch of 13 year-old girls running around before their softball game.  I finished my eggs and muffins and went upstairs to catch some more zzz's.

Awaking at 11:45am, I took a hot shower to loosen up.  My gear had already been laid out, so all that was left to do was pack it up and hit the road.  I checked my email and the weather one last time (72 and sunny, yeah!) and left for the lake.

The start/finish was situated away from the lake (that John Denver is full of shit), tucked neatly down a narrow winding road and into a clearing that is enveloped by trees on all sides.  As I pulled in, the mountain bikers from that morning's races were leaving, and I could see the runners milling about.  I find a spot right behind a vehicle with a Manchester College Alumni sticker.  Sweet!  I mozy over to the main tent, grab my bib and continue to unpack and stretch.  It's starting to warm up.  Hmmmm.

 The 10-milers and 30-milers started before us, and after they took off I looked around.  Only about 15 of us.  Insane.  The sun was shining full force, hardly any wind, a long, unknown trail awaited me, and I thought "This is it.  There's nowhere else I'd rather be."

We started at 2:40pm.  I was careful to not get caught up in the pace of those (few) around me.  A slow, plodding pace to familiarize myself with the terrain and surroundings.  My legs started to warm up and I got my breathing rhythm down.  There were aid stations at 3.2, 5.5 and 7.0, and I made sure to stop at every one of them. 

The course itself was a 10-mile loop.  Mentally, I divided it into quarters: the first part was run along a creek and included some steep hills before the first aid station.  The second part was flatter but the hills it did include had me walking up them.  The third part, in between the 2 on-course aid stations, was real flat and out in the open, where you can open up the throttle and make up some ground if you're inclined to.  Lastly, the fourth part was the most challenging: it crossed two creeks on narrow bridges and had some killer hills.  If you break a race like that down into parts, you're mentally able to deal with it a little better.  Of course, I had to do it five times. 

The first two loops went by uneventfully.  My loops were within 5 minutes of each other, and I changed shirts after the first loop, as it was fairly warm and I worked up a good sweat - even at the relatively slow pace I was running.  As I set out on my third loop, I donned my headlamp (but didn't turn it on) and slowed my pace just a little to conserve as much energy as possible.  I was still feeling pretty good, and I was seeing fewer and fewer people on the course.  My stays at the aid stations got just a little longer - more time to digest the trail mix and gels and to get as much water down as possible.  It should be pointed out that not ONCE did I "feel" dehydrated or sluggish due to dehydration or food  in my stomach.  I attribute the avoidance of dehydration to the countless hours I spend in the sauna at the Athena Center, teaching my body to "sweat efficiently."  It should also be pointed out that the HARDEST thing to do in a trail run is to force yourself to eat when you're not hungry.  Ugh.  I felt like I was 8 years old at the family dinner table again.  Only this time I couldn't strategically move my food around to make it look like I ate it. 

As I closed the third loop, the PA announcer called my name and said "congrats on finishing your third lap...too bad he's got two more."  I was still feeling pretty good, but mentally that was a jolt to the system.  I ditched the iPod, changed shorts once last time, turned on my headlamp and set out.  The fourth lap, I determined, was the most difficult.  It was run without music, and in the dark.  I could only see about 10-15 feet ahead of me, but luckily I was starting to remember the course.  That didn't stop me, however, from tripping over the occasional root...once such trip that almost landed me headfirst into a thorny bush.

As I approached the last aid station on the fourth lap, the race director pulled up on his bike, offered me some trail mix and we chatted.  He was very friendly and encouraging, and as I set out, he said "Don't let 'em catch you." 


I crossed the line after my fourth lap, headed to my vehicle and was very confident about my last loop.  Water, Gatorade, banana, gel, run.  Easy breezy.  Coasting along, I made it to the first aid station with no problem.  I left there, and then it came.  It had been stalking me for a little while, disguising itself whenever I thought I had recognized it.  THE WALL. 

If you've never met the wall, I'd suggest you not make his (or her) acquaintance.  It creeps up on you.  Slowly but surely.  When you least expect it, it's like you're entire energy supply is just drained.  I hit the wall in my first marathon at 21 miles or so, like most newbies do, and it was awful.  I felt like I couldn't run another step.  This time, she approached me a little kinder and gentler.  I still had the energy to put one foot in front of the other, but I was struggling.  As indicated in my FB post, I passed an old man whose exchange and kind words allowed me to get my second wind.  As I pounded through the last half of the lap, my thighs were burning and my back was starting to ache.  I remembered the phone call from the previous night from someone I care very much for, and that helped tremendously.  She probably doesn't know it, but it did.  Even my arms were starting to get sore. 

Since I was so familiar with the course by that point, I was able to tell when I was in the homestretch.  I could hear voices and see lights.  Any runner will tell you that on a run that long, you cannot overstate the excitement of knowing you're close to the finish.  I came down a hill, and coasted through the chute a few minutes before midnight in 9:24:45.  The few people that were left there were cheering as if I had just won Boston (what a rush!!!) and a beautiful woman put my finishers medallion on me (What the?  Was I dreaming?).  At that point, I wasn't tired necessarily, but my legs were sore and felt awfully rubbery.  After changing clothes, stretching and getting some water, I headed back to the hotel around 12:45am. 

I thought I'd be able to sleep like a log, but alas, I didn't.  Too jacked up and my legs were too restless.  I soaked in the tub with some ice and reflected on the day.  My thoughts wandered about all the choices I had made - some good, some bad - that had led me to sitting in a bathtub of ice in Warsaw, Indiana.  I thought about how my life unfolded differently than I expected it would - was I supposed to be married and have kids by now?  Working 9-5 job somewhere?  Well, none of that has happened.  But I wouldn't change a thing. 

Some interesting factoids that may or may not interest only me:
Calories burned:  Anywhere from 8,000-9,500.  That's at least 2 pounds of pure fat.
It took one runner 15 1/2 hours to finish the 50-mile course...at 6:00am the next morning.
The race director himself sang the Star-Spangled Banner...a noble effort indeed.
I saw black squirrels.  Or skunks without stripes.  One of the two.
I saw a spectator smoking.  I just thought that was really strange.
I drank warm pickle juice at the end of each loop.
I didn't actually "run" 50 miles; I walked up all steep hills and in and out of every aid station.  But I probably did run at least 47-48 miles. 

I only had to pee twice: once after the third loop and once in the middle of the 5th loop (on the course).

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign.

Signs are everywhere
Stop.  Beware of Dog.  No Trespassing.  Smoking Prohibited.  Open.  Closed. 

These are all signs that tell us - specifically - what we need to know.  But my favorite signs are the ones that are not tangible.  Ones you can't directly touch or see.  The ones that are guided by our intuition.  The ones that we piece together ourselves.  A fleeting moment of "Eureka!"


There are no accidents, no coincidences.


Sometimes you might find yourself - to quote David Byrne - asking, "Well, how did I get here?"  Why do I live where I live?  What made me choose the profession I'm in?  Why did I fall for the person I'm with?  Your entire life is made up of choices.  Do this or do that.  A or B.  Option 1 or option 2.  If you pick option 1 instead of option 2, that opens up an entire realm and universe of new choices.  All of the old choices disappear.  You'll make wrong choices.  No one ever makes the right choices all of the time.  No one.
But eventually, if you're lucky, you'll find yourself saying "This is where I'm meant to be."  It might take 20 years, it might take 50 years.  But everyone gets there. 


Never, ever stop looking for signs.  Pay attention to what the universe is offering you. 

Friday, March 4, 2011

Wake Up To Find Out That You Are the Eyes of the World

What goes through someone's mind when they decide to run 50 miles?  Why would you run for several hours in a row, torturing your body? 
Most people who decide to do this are neurotic in nature: they obsess over every detail of not only their running, but their daily lives as well.  I think it's because they know that the small details - thousands of them - all count in the end.  I once read that an ultra trail runner - Matt Carpenter - used a razor to shave "micro ounces" off of his shoes to be able to run faster. I don't go to those extremes, but those who know me well enough certainly would use "neurotic" to describe parts of my personality (along with "imbecilic" and "nerdy"). 


Anyway, my steely determination will not allow me to not finish this race.  Even if I have to slither across the finish line with my nipples.  Seeing a "DNF" next to my name will bring tremendous amounts shame and embarrassment to my family.  Not really, but I'd be, like, pretty bummed out about it.  So upon finishing the race - which will be done in darkness wearing a headlamp - I've decided to celebrate.  The initial reaction would be to spontaneously celebrate - having spent the better part of your waking day running in circles in a forest - with whatever little adrenaline might be coursing through your veins at that particular moment.  But alas, my meticulous planning for this race (which includes drawing a diagram that shows exactly what and where will be laid out in the back of my vehicle for pit stops during the race) will encompass my finishing celebration...a dance. 
I do believe I've narrowed it down to 3 choices: The Deion Sanders touchdown dance, MJ's Moonwalk, and Napoleon Dynamite's talent show dance.  I'm leaning towards the touchdown dance.  Is it silly to actually plan something like this?  Probably.  Do I care?  Not in the least. 

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Blogging Cherry...Popped.

There's a handful of topics that I'll probably post about, all of which I am very passionate about.
Phish ...  Tour experiences, show reviews, etc.

Running ...  Things I think about while running (possibly NSFW and/or small children), upcoming races, photos from scenic routes and trails, etc.  


TV shows, movies and books ...  Some of my favorites, what they mean to me, why I enjoy them, etc. 

Purdue athletics ...  This will be more of a seasonal thing, but I truly enjoy touting the excellence of Purdue basketball (and, er, football), particularly during a season in which IU is sucking to holy hell.  

I doubt I'll be updating this every day, but I'd like to get in 3-5 entries per week.  Since I work nights, I often arrive home anywhere from 1:30-3:30 in the morning, which could lend a decidedly dark and twisted tone to some of my posts.  At least, that's what I'm hoping.